


For Your Entertainment

by TheAnnoyingVoice



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Crack, Humorous, M/M, Parody, Skits, Whose Line Is It Anyway?, kingdom hearts - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 21:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAnnoyingVoice/pseuds/TheAnnoyingVoice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The characters of Kingdom Hearts do their best to entertain those of the gaming world. Inspired by Whose Line Is It Anyway?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another story I have on Fanfiction.Net that I decided to post on here as well. The contents of the story are just some of the things my messed up mind comes up with... I was watching Scenes From A Hat - which is from Whose Line Is It Anyway on youtube - one night and was suddenly inspired to write a bunch of little scenes of my own with Kingdom Hearts characters. I don't think it came out exactly how I wanted it to, and I apologize if my jokes are a little dry, but this is all in good fun anyway.
> 
> Warnings: Suggestive themes

“Good tidings, friends.” A man with silver hair addressed some cameras. “I’m Xemnas, and I will be your host tonight. We the characters of Kingdom Hearts have decided for this one time to put aside our differences and entertain you of the gaming world.”  
“You suck!”

Xemnas’s eye twitched as he refrained from throwing a black magician’s hat at a spiky haired brunet sitting up on the stage along with a silver haired teenager, a redhead, and a grumpy looking blond. 

“The audience would do well to note that after this little show, we will be going back to our scheduled duties, therefore Sora will most certainly be eliminated.”

He cleared his throat as laughter came from the audience from behind him, and a few of the Dancer Nobodies behind the cameras. 

“Before the show, we’ve asked members of the audience to write down scenes they would like to see those four up there perform. We took the best ones, because not all of them were satisfactory, and put them in this hat.”

Sora got to his feet, whispering something to the blond, Roxas, and both snickered as they made their way down a few steps and stood on one side of the stage waiting for instructions. The other two, Riku and Axel, walked down on to the opposite side of the stage and waited as well. 

Xemnas reached into the magician’s hat and pulled out a piece of paper, clearing his throat as he read what was written on it. “Axel’s thoughts toward Roxas,” he chuckled as Roxas groaned and shot Axel a small glare as though warning him. 

But before either of them could make a move toward the center of the stage, Sora took a few steps forward with a grin.

“Hmm…must be his time of the month.” 

The audience laughed as he walked off, leaving the other two laughing. Roxas gave Sora a very flat look. 

Axel strode across the stage, smirking. “I don’t think I’ve shown him my bedroom yet.”

Roxas looked like he was going to go over and strangle the redhead, but Sora grabbed his arm, saying something in his ear that made him stop.

“If looks could kill Axel would be a dusk right now.” Xemnas chuckled as he reached for another suggestion from the hat. Axel grinned and winked at Roxas who crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

“If we don’t move on in the next five seconds, Superior, I’ll gladly make that reality.” Roxas growled, summoning his Keyblade.

“Chill, Rox, I was only joking!” Axel held up his hands in defense. 

“Calm down, Thirteen, there are more scenes for you four to do. We don’t want to disappoint our audience, do we?”

“No…” Roxas replied grudgingly, dismissing his Keyblade. 

“Good. “ Xemnas pulled out another suggestion and read it with a little smirk. “Things the Organization does when they are not working on Kingdom Hearts.”

Now Roxas was grinning a little as he walked out to the center of the stage, back to the audience. He held his hands out in front of him and looked down pretending to examine something.

“Oh man…I can’t let Roxas know it’s only 3 inches.”

Xemnas pressed the buzzer and Roxas walked off feeling quite satisfied after hearing the laughter coming from Xemnas and the audience. Sora was giggling and Riku chuckled, coughing into his hand to cover it up.

Axel shook his head, “Should have seen that one coming.”

Roxas just grinned. 

Xemnas grabbed another paper from the hat. “Things not to do when playing twister.”

Roxas groaned and followed his other out to the center of the stage, ignoring the very devious look in Axel’s eyes as Riku took it upon himself to be the spinner. Sora immediately got down on the floor in some sort of crab crawl position while Roxas did the same, but moved his foot out further. Axel grinned like a child on Christmas morning and arched his body above Roxas’s.

Riku pretended to spin. “Left hand yellow.”  
Roxas reached out with his other foot to an invisible place on the floor, his legs wide open now. Sora lost his balance and fell over, bumping Roxas who lost his balance and collapsed, and Axel’s arms suddenly gave out which caused him to crash down on Roxas with his hands in between the blond’s legs.

The audience cracked up laughing and Xemnas chuckled with amusement before pressing the buzzer and everyone went back to their respectable places. 

“Unlikely things found in your suitcase.”

Axel walked forward, kneeling down as he made the sound and motions of someone unzipping their suitcase. He blinked and then grinned slowly. “Why hello Roxy, if you wanted to come with me to Cancun that badly you could have just said so.”

Roxas rolled his eyes, but decided to give up on getting angry and just went along with it. He walked out to the middle, got into the fetal position on the floor and smirked up at Axel.

“Actually, me and Riku were planning to elope. I didn’t have the money for a plane ticket and when you told me you were going to Cancun…”

Xemnas pressed the buzzer and took a drink of some coffee. They went back to their spots, Roxas narrowly avoiding a hit to the shoulder from Sora, while Riku laughed.

“He’s always one step ahead of you.”

“Oh shut up.” Axel muttered, rubbing the back of his neck.

Sora stepped forward, pretending he was unzipping his suitcase as well. He frowned, leaning down and picked up something imaginary. “Eeew…a speedo! Wait a second…property of…RIKU?! EW! EW! EW! EW!” He flung the ‘speedo’ and bolted off the stage as Xemnas pressed the buzzer.

Sora gave Riku a sickeningly sweet smile, but the silver haired teenager just chuckled. He didn’t look like he really cared either way. It was all in good fun anyways. 

Axel laughed pretty hard, nudging Riku, “did you bring that with you when you eloped with Roxas?”

“Sure did.”

Riku grinned, winking at the blond who shuddered.

“Ew.”

“You know you like it.”

Xemnas chuckled, pulling another paper from the hat. He read it and heaved a sigh. “I have a very bad feeling about this one…”

“Out with it,” Axel prompted. “It can’t be about any of us if you’re reluctant to read it out loud.”

“…What the Superior does when alone in his room at night.”

Axel let out a hoot that ended in extreme laughter and him almost losing his balance, but thankfully Riku grabbed his arm before he could. Although Riku wasn’t in any better shape either. They both ended up leaning on the other as crazy ideas came to their minds. Sora and Roxas were more than amused as well. Sora kept having little giggle fits and Roxas just smirked, all the while looking at Xemnas. 

“Yes, I’m aware you’re all amused but let’s end this segment so I can get out of here and go back to enjoying my non-existent life.”

“Not to mention non-existent sex life.” Axel spoke up earning a nasty look from Xemnas and laughter from not only their audience, but Sora, Riku, and Roxas as well.

Xemnas cleared his throat. “Anytime you’re ready…”

Axel grinned evilly then suddenly sobered up as he lay down on the floor, and pretended to pull a pillow towards his body. “Saïx, you’ve been very naughty. You must be punished.”

Xemnas pressed the buzzer narrowing his eyes and making the motion to say he was watching Axel. Axel smirked and ran back over to Riku who raised his hand. They did a high-five and then turned to Sora and Roxas who stepped forward and held out his hand, moving his thumb like he was changing channels on a remote.

“1000 channels and there’s still nothing on.”

Xemnas nodded as Roxas walked off, and Axel came back on. “It’s quite true.”

Axel made it look like he was writing something. “My To Do list: One. Saïx. Two. Saïx. Three. Saïx. Four, eliminate Sora. Five. Saïx. Six—“

Xemnas pressed the buzzer, tapping his fingers lightly against the desk. “That’s quite enough number Eight. I believe it is time to put an end to tonight’s excitement. Thank you for watching, and we hope to see you all again soon. Good night.”

The dusks stopped recording and Xemnas got to his feet. “I suggest the four of you get out of my face before I decide to turn you into dusks.”

“…Umm…Xemnas, not to ruin your plans or anything, but me and Riku are technically not part of your club so we can’t be turned into dusks.” Sora pointed out with a little nod. 

“Hm. Of course. Well then, I shall make do with your hearts then. How does that sound?”

“Run, Riku!” Sora grabbed Riku’s hand and dragged him off backstage, while Roxas stayed behind looking at Axel expectantly.

Axel raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong, Rox?”

Roxas sighed, shuffling and looking at his feet. “No…”

“Then what’s up?”

“What you said earlier…for one of those scenes…”

“Yeah?”

“…about showing me your bedroom…”

“Oh yeah?” Axel grinned slowly, getting a feeling of where this might be heading.

“I’d really like to see it…again.”

Axel grinned and grabbed Roxas’s hand. “Hot damn, I am so getting some tonight!”

When they were gone, only Xemnas remained. He sat back down at his desk and looked under it at a blue haired man with an X etched into his face. The man sat patiently at the superior’s feet. 

“You may resume what you were doing, Saïx.”


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much longer than the first one, and chock-full of retarded jokes and heaven only knows what else. Again, a big thank you to Kunoichi21 for her wonderful help in the editing field, as well as being there to bounce ideas off of. :D
> 
> Warnings: Suggestive themes, language

Xemnas stepped up to the desk situated in front of the stage and sat down in the very comfortable chair provided for him. He released a pleased sigh and looked over his shoulder at the man he knew followed him. “Ah, Saïx. It’s very nice to have you join us again this evening.” 

“Of course, sir.” Saïx replied politely, however, his eyes remained diverted from the man before him. 

It seemed neither of them really wanted to make a move to do what they so desperately desired to do, and that was jump each other, and rut like bunnies. If Nobodies could procreate, that is. And even if they could, there was still the arising issue of men not being able to produce life. But thankfully, neither of those things mattered to the two men. Or else Xemnas would be searching for more than ways to just get back all of their hearts. 

It was Saïx who broke the silence, clearing his throat deeply. “Sir, I believe you’ve never really explained why we had to do this show.”

“For entertainment purposes, Saïx, I really shouldn’t have to explain anymore.” Xemnas reached for the magician’s hat and ran a finger over the rim thoughtfully. “Perhaps we should add more to this show rather than just the Scenes from a Hat.”

“With all do respect, sir.” Saïx started, gaining his Superior’s attention. “I still don’t see the point for these frivolous activities in the first place. We are going out of our way to entertain people we don’t know and don’t need to know.”

“Ah, but that is where you’re wrong, number Seven. It was agreed to celebrate our alliance with all the fans of Kingdom Hearts. We have been entertaining the broad world of gamers for over ten years now. Not just our generation—the Nobodies, but all of those from the beginning including the young Keyblade Master…whom we all strive to defeat one day so we might accomplish our goal.”

Xemnas lapsed into a long silence then and Saïx merely raised an eyebrow, still not seeing the importance of this show but decided to humor his Superior regardless. He settled down next to Xemnas, content to remain at his side throughout the duration of the activities that would soon take place.

“Mind if I ask who will be on stage?”

“We will be keeping Eight and Thirteen, with the new additions of Terra and Xigbar.”

“Oh dear Kingdom Hearts,” Saïx groaned. He didn’t even want to fathom the violence and mockeries that he knew would come about due to such a haphazard combination. Xigbar was an annoying man with great pedophilic tendencies, and with young Roxas on stage, there could be a bloody war between he and Axel who Saïx knew would do everything in his power to protect Roxas. Then there was Terra, a nice enough teenager, strong, determined…but he could possibly mistake Roxas for his beloved Ventus and Xigbar for Braig. But that was a completely different story…

“Sir, I beg you now, reconsider those choices. Nothing good will come of this I assure you.”

Xemnas laughed and placed a hand on Saïx’s shoulder. He gave him a slow grin, one that could even outdo Xigbar’s creepy grin. If Saïx didn’t respect and have a great…affixation for the man then he might not be so inclined to following him around everywhere like a puppy.

“I prefer to keep it the way it is and sit back to watch what might transpire.”

“You’re amused.”

“Immensely.”

Saïx couldn’t hold back a small chuckle. If that was how his Superior wanted it then he supposed it might be interesting to witness. Laughter and loud talking suddenly filled the great room as their audience poured in from various doorways. Axel and Roxas, followed by Terra and Xigbar made their way up the steps to the stage taking their seats as they waited for the show to start. The Dancer Nobodies arrived and took their places behind the cameras. 

Soon everyone arrived and the cameras were rolling. Xemnas gave them his trademark smile, the slow one that showed his teeth, and managed to freak everyone out that fell victim to it. On his left, Saïx gave a small shudder, but stared at the cameras with a solemn expression.

“Good tidings, friends. I’m Xemnas, which I’m sure all of you are aware of by now, and I will be your host again for this evening.” 

He waited for the cheers and applauding to die down before continuing. 

“Tonight, our performers will be Terra who made his debut appearance in Birth by Sleep.” 

Instantly there were many more cheers, whoops, and shouts of wanting to have Terra’s babies. Terra chuckled modestly and scratched the back of his head, while Xigbar grinned and gave him a playful shove, whispering something to him. Xemnas cleared his throat, amused with the audience’s reaction.

“To many fans it is the best in the series—“

More screams and applause. Xemnas gave the cameras a flat look.

“Regrettably, I must resume with the introductions, so following Terra—for the love of Kingdom Hearts people, enough! Thank you… We have Xigbar, who appears in the second installment of Kingdom Hearts and in the game 358/2 as well.”

The applause and cheers were there, but not as loudly and excited as they had been upon introducing Terra. Xigbar chuckled and grinned while he gave the audience a lazy two fingered wave in response.

“And of course our returning performers from the last show, Axel and Roxas—“

Loud screams, whoops and demands for both boys to have their babies were heard, among demands for Roxas to submit to being Axel’s bitch and have his babies already. Axel grinned openly and waved then turned to the now scowling Roxas and tried to get him to smile by putting both thumbs at the corners of his mouth, stretching it. Roxas smacked his hands away and shot him a pointed look.

Xemnas shook his head and chuckled. “I’m sure I don’t need to explain about their origins. Moving on, I’ve decided we’ll be doing more than Scenes from a Hat. So now, to start the show off, we’ll begin with a game called Party Quirks. This will be for all four of you.” They got to their feet and made their way down the steps, going on opposite sides of the stage. “Roxas will be the host and Axel, Terra, and Xigbar are the guests. They’ve been given a strange quirk or identity written on cards that they have never seen before and Roxas has to guess who they are. You’ll start when you hear the door bell.” 

Roxas made his way to the center of the stage, pretending to look over a table and quickly sample something from it, while the other three walked over to the other side and lined up behind one another. Xemnas proceeded to press a button and the sound of a doorbell rang out. Roxas spun around; fingers still placed to his mouth as he faced his door and ran to answer it.

In walked Axel, smiling pleasantly, his role was a pregnant woman who suddenly goes into labor. He spoke in a soft, girly voice. “Hi there, honey, thank you so much for inviting me. I’m sure this is going to be—oooh!” He stopped abruptly leaned against the doorframe, hunched over slightly. Roxas stared at him in horror.

“Oh my God, are you alright? Should I call an ambulance?” He bent to help Axel inside, but Axel just shook his head and let out a very convincing moan of pain.

“Don’t touch me, please. It hurts so much!”

“I’m sorry!” Roxas raced inside and made it look like he was picking up a phone, calling an ambulance and speaking quickly, but calmly. The doorbell rang again and Roxas cursed which was picked up by the censor. “Be right there!” He quickly wrapped up the emergency call after giving out an address then ran to the door, but not before stooping beside a tearful Axel. 

“I think it’s coming!”

“…What?” Roxas’s eyes widened, but he took a deep breath and opened the door anyways. Xigbar was standing there; his role was an army general stripper. He was grinning a very disturbing grin. Roxas took a small step back. “Hi, uh…welcome to my party—“

“Are you eyeballing me, boy?” Xigbar asked in a very demanding, yet seductive voice. An interesting combination, and also very creepy. 

“Uh…no…” 

“No? I’m eyeballing you…” Xigbar pretended to be easing off his shirt, slipping it over his head, very slowly threw his arm up and made the motion of swinging it around. Roxas gave him a very disturbed look. 

“Yeah, ok…” The doorbell rang again and he quickly dodged around Xigbar who looked like he was pole dancing. He quickly opened the door to Terra who was a whole team of football players after winning a game. “Hi, welcome to my party I guess, uh, come in…”

Roxas was instantly pulled into a one armed man hug, a hard clap on his back. “We did it guys! We did it! Yeah! We’re the best! WOOOO! WOOOO!”

“Oh my God…” Roxas scampered away from him only to be grabbed by Axel who squeezed his hand hard. He winced and tried to pull away. “It’s alright. I called the ambulance. You and your baby will be fine.” 

Xemnas pressed the buzzer and Axel straightened up with a grin, giving Roxas the thumbs up as he headed back to his seat. Roxas took a deep breath and turned to face the weirdoes he still had to deal with. Xigbar walked over, he pulled him into his arms and leaned down to speak in his ear.

“I’m busy right now, maggot, but what do you say to coming out back at 0600 hours?” Roxas squirmed out of his hold and took a deep breath.

“You’re disgusting, General Strip-tease. Stay the h--- away from me!”

Xemnas pressed the buzzer again and Roxas relaxed as Xigbar gave him a grin and headed off the stage to return to his seat. He said something to Axel who glared and raised a fist threateningly. Roxas turned back to Terra who was still celebrating, raising his hand and high-fiving the air.

“I knew wearing my lucky underwear would work! Yeah! I’m not washing my clothes! Me either! Yeeah! WOOO!” He stood in front of Roxas, hand up and Roxas grinned, high fiving him. 

“Congratulations guys! You won the game!”

“Close!” Xemnas called. “What game?”

Roxas thought for a second. “Football.” He was rewarded with the buzzer and he and Terra exchanged another high five as they returned to their seats. Axel smiled at him, saying something that made Roxas smile back and blush a little. Xigbar laughed and said something to Terra and received a nasty glare and punch in the shoulder.

“That was very entertaining. Props to Axel for a very convincing pregnant mother,” Xemnas chuckled. Axel grinned, basking in the attention he was receiving from both the Superior and the audience. “Now we’re going to move on to a game called Props.” 

Terra got to his feet instantly followed by Xigbar, Axel and Roxas. They made their way down the steps and over to the desk where Saïx handed them some strange looking props. 

“These ones are for you Terra and Xigbar,” Xemnas told them as they took a couple of pylons and made their way to the left of the stage while Axel and Roxas accepted theirs, a piece of rope. Axel grinned at Roxas as they made their way over to the right side of the stage.

“I can tell this is going to be a fun game.” Axel laughed.

“Oh shut up.” Roxas growled playfully, dividing the rope in half to give it more strength for what he did next. He whacked Axel in the ass with it, smirking as Axel let out a yelp of surprise and chased after him. The audience laughed and yelled out some pretty dirty stuff causing Roxas to blush and duck his head a little. 

“Kingdom Hearts knows I’m going to regret giving those two rope.” Xemnas shook his head. He leaned back in his chair, said something to Saïx who actually grinned, which fortunately went unnoticed by the others because they were too preoccupied with what they were going to do with their props.

A quick discussion between Terra and Xigbar and they were the first to perform. Terra placed his pylon down on the floor and Xigbar followed suit, but put his a little farther apart and at an odd angle. They stood next to each other and Xigbar held out his hands like he was gripping a steering wheel and driving. Terra looked down at something he was pretending to be holding and then out at the pylons. 

“You’ve completed all the turns so far except for the diagonal turn.”

The buzzer went and they stepped off as Axel and Roxas made their way to the center of the stage. Axel put his leg up against Roxas’s and wrapped the rope around them, holding it there. 

“We can win this race, Rox. I know it.”

The buzzer went again and Axel removed the rope, escorting Roxas to the right. Terra and Xigbar came back on and Xigbar placed his pylon on top of his head. 

“Let it be written…” he paused and looked at Terra. “Are you writing this?”

Terra froze and looked up at him then quickly made the motion of jotting something down. 

Xemnas pressed the buzzer and Axel and Roxas took their turn, Axel immediately getting down on the floor on his hands and knees and Roxas straddling his back. He took the rope and hit him. 

“Hyah!”

Axel made a very convincing sound of a horse neighing and reared up then dropped back down and managed to crawl back to their spot with Roxas still astride his back. They were buzzed and Terra and Xigbar stepped back on. Xigbar took both pylons and held them up to his chest. 

“A little chilly in here, don’t you think?” 

“Yeah…just a bit…” Terra took a couple of steps back. 

They were buzzed and Roxas walked out to the center of the stage, wrapping the rope around his body then lay down on the floor on his back. He struggled frantically, looking up at Axel with wide eyes. 

“Please, let me go! I’ll do anything!”

Axel laughed a very funny, French sounding laugh and pretended to stroke a curly mustache. “No can do my dear. Your hero appears to not be showing up. Oh look! Here comes the train!” He grinned and rubbed his hands together excitedly as Roxas screamed and struggled harder.

They were buzzed and Axel helped Roxas to his feet, while Roxas let the ropes fall from his body. The audience applauded loudly and they both grinned, bumping against the other as they turned to watch Terra and Xigbar. Terra held his pylon up to his ear and smiled dreamily. 

“I can hear the ocean.” 

Xigbar mimed the action. “Sounds like it’s saying, f--- you.” He grinned at Terra who tried and failed to keep a straight face. They exploded into laughter which quickly caught on with Axel and Roxas. Xemnas chuckled and pressed the buzzer.

“That one was pretty good, but I still quite enjoyed the damsel in distress.”

Axel grinned at Xemnas. “Roxy makes a good damsel in distress, don’cha Rox?” 

Roxas blushed and crossed his arms. “I bet I can make both of you change your minds.”

“Very well, proceed with your next prop skit.”

Roxas grinned at Xemnas then pointed to the floor and Axel just raised an eyebrow. He sighed and pointed again. Axel blinked.

“Don’t make me whip you.” He held the rope out and Axel instantly broke into a grin as he dropped to the floor on his hands and knees while Roxas whipped him with the rope a couple of times. Axel tilted his head back and made a very convincing groan. 

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.” He called out. Xemnas pressed the buzzer multiple times. He laughed and got to his feet while Roxas smirked, looking very pleased with being the dominant male for a change. Everyone returned their props beside Xemnas’s desk then went back to their seats and Xemnas shook his head, unable to resist a chuckle.

“As I said, I knew I would regret giving you two the rope.”

Axel and Roxas exchanged a grin and settled comfortably into their seats waiting for Xemnas to give them their next game. Xigbar gave Roxas a lecherous grin and leaned over Axel, saying something crude to the blond. Roxas looked insulted and Xigbar nearly got a punch in the face courtesy of Axel.

“The game we’re going to play next is Scenes from a Hat.” Xemnas shook his head continuing with the game despite the obvious tension up on the stage. He supposed the one good thing that came out of tonight’s selection of performers was that Terra didn’t once mistake Roxas for Ven. The audience cheered and applauded loudly as he reached for the hat sitting in the left hand corner of his desk. He stuck his hand in to pull out a piece of paper.

“This game is one of my favorites and judging by the reaction behind me, I’d say it’s their favorite too.” He cleared his throat. “I assume everyone remembers how this works. If you don’t, well that’s too bad. I’m not about to repeat myself. Those of you watching at home buy a DVR or something and record the first show. The four of you can come down anytime.”

Roxas got to his feet taking the lead as Axel followed him down, Xigbar behind him and Terra last. They stood on opposite sides of the stage, waiting for their first skit suggestion. 

Xemnas pulled out a piece of paper and read the suggestion with a chuckle. “How Kingdom Hearts 2 should have ended.”

The applauding was thunderous and Xemnas grimaced. He really should have expected that response, considering that half the gaming population consisted of fangirls who lived and breathed any sort of alternate ending for one of the world’s most popular gaming franchise. 

Once the applauding and excited squeals and woops died down, Xemnas cleared his throat.

“You can start any time.” He addressed the four on stage. 

Roxas smirked a little, grabbed Axel’s arm and dragged him out to the centre of the stage. Axel looked a little confused about what was going on, but shrugged and went along with it. Roxas slung Axel’s arm around his shoulders, which was a very odd sight to behold considering Axel was much taller than Roxas. 

“We’ve finally done it, Riku. We beat Xemnas, and the worlds are at peace again.”

“Yeah,” Axel nodded, attempting to imitate Riku’s quiet voice. “Now it’s just us. Alone. On a beach…”

Roxas turned his head to look at him. “Aw, don’t worry Riku. We’ll get back to the Islands. You’ll see.”

Axel sighed, muttering, “Oblivious as always,” and spoke a little louder. “Can you help me Sora? I want to get down to the water.”

“No problem.” Roxas smiled and shifted Axel’s arm on his shoulder so it would stay better then moved to wrap an arm around his waist for better support when his hand slipped and he ended up touching Axel’s ass instead. He blushed and hoped ‘Riku’ didn’t notice.

But he did. A slow smirk crossed Axel’s lips as they started walking, Axel allowing one leg to drag slightly behind him. 

“You know,” he started conversationally, and Roxas glanced up at him as they kept walking, almost to the other side of the stage now. “If you wanted to grab my a-- you could have just said so.”

Roxas sputtered and leaped away from him, staring at where his hand had been, just as Xemnas pressed the buzzer. The two grinned at each other than walked off as Terra and Xigbar came on, Xigbar grinning and Terra indifferent. 

They sat down on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over the steps. 

“I have something you could never imitate,” Xigbar smirked at Terra.

“Yeah?” Terra looked over, “what’s that?”

“8 inches and growing, baby.”

Terra looked disgusted and was about to say something to that when Xemnas buzzed them and they walked off. Roxas walked back on, Axel following once more. They had a silent discussion of what they were going to do this time, but had watched Xigbar and Terra’s skit as well.

They both sat down at the edge of the stage, Roxas resting his head against Axel’s shoulder as the two stared out at the audience, much to their excitement. Someone shouted for them to hold hands, and Roxas barely managed to contain a snicker at that and Axel just chuckled under his breath as he leaned out and pretended to grab something from the ‘water’. 

“What’s that?” Roxas asked as Axel examined the imaginary object he was holding. 

“A bottle with a note inside,” Axel replied, chuckling as he yanked the cork off and pulled the note out, unfolding it and looking it over. 

“What’s it say?” Roxas leaned over to get a look.

“Sora,” Axel read, “Even though I did sort of forget about you, you and Riku have been on my mind everyday. I just wanted to say how proud I am of you getting out there and protecting all of those worlds from the darkness. I bet Riku’s proud of you too. I hope you two are together right now, because when you two are together nothing can stop you. Good luck with everything, Sora! Everyone’s rooting for you. Love, Kairi.” He paused then started laughing. “She thought of everything.”

“Huh?” Roxas read on then blushed a deep red, glancing at Axel who grinned and continued.

“P.S. Enclosed in the bottle is some lube and a few condoms. Use them wisely!”

Xemnas buzzed them and they walked over to their side of the stage, grinning and talking quietly. Axel grinned at something Roxas said who looked quite smug. 

“That was…interesting.” Xemnas chuckled as he reached for another piece of paper from the magician’s hat, “Things not to do at the beach.”

“I’m sure this one will be quite interesting,” Saïx said to Xemnas who nodded.

“Indeed.”

They watched as Xigbar was the first to make his way to the center of the stage, grinning as he looked at Roxas. “Hey there gorgeous, how would you like to see my peacock?” He patted his crotch to emphasize just what he meant. 

Roxas made a face and took a step back as Xemnas buzzed Xigbar and Axel walked out and made it look like he was taking off his clothes.

“CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS TO THE RESCUE!” He yelled, running off stage and into the audience which brought about a lot of squealing and laughter as he grabbed a woman out of her seat and proceeded to gently lay her on the floor off stage to the left and perform CPR.

Xemnas shook his head and buzzed Axel who laughed and got to his feet, helping the laughing woman up as well then walked her back to her seat and returned to his place next to Roxas on stage.

Roxas walked out and looked around, grinning, before pointing out at the audience, “Oh my God, shark!” He then stood there and pretended to watch a bunch of people running around in panic. “Haha, psych!”

Xemnas buzzed him and he walked off still grinning, which was a definite pleasant change from his usual grumpiness. He exchanged a high five with Axel.

Terra walked on and pretended to undress, then took off across the stage, running around and laughing. “I’m naked and it feels great!”

The audience laughed and Xemnas pressed the buzzer. Terra grinned at everyone, put his imaginary clothes back on, and walked back over to his side of the stage.

Xigbar walked out whistling ‘Do Your Ears Hang Low’ as he mimed the action of unzipping his pants. He sighed in relief, pretended to give himself a shake then zipped back up. 

Xemnas pressed the buzzer and ran a hand over his face. “Why I made you number Two, I have no idea. You were peeing in the ocean, weren’t you?”

Xigbar walked back over to the side of the stage where Terra was standing. He grinned. “You know it, Superior. Besides, me and you are hombres, who else could have passed as your second in command?”

Xemnas raised an eyebrow and without saying a word, glanced beside him to where Saïx was sitting, his eyebrow raised as well.

“Oh right…the mutant. Hah, how could I have forgotten?”

Xemnas ignored him as he reached into the hat to pull out another suggestion, “Things not to say at the dinner table.”

Terra walked out and stood in the middle of the stage, holding out his hands like he was cutting something. “Mm, this steak is really good. Really tender, and easy to cut too! It reminds me of when I was operating on old man Jenkins earlier today. Haha, there was so much blood!”

The audience groaned, which was followed by laughter. Roxas looked a pale and Axel visibly shuddered. Xemnas buzzed him and coughed a few times, looking a little pale himself. Xigbar was the only one who found it truly funny.

After Terra walked off, Roxas walked out. He turned around to beckon Axel over, who sauntered over with a grin on his face. Roxas slung an arm around Axel’s shoulders.

“Mom, dad. I’m gay.”

The audience let out a hoot of laughter and Roxas struggled to keep a straight face for what he was about to say next.

“And…I’m no longer a virgin.”

“Oh my God!” Axel laughed, leaning sideways and resting his head on Roxas’s shoulder as he wiped tears from his eyes. “Ohh…there’s no doubt about it. I’ve rubbed off on you.”

Roxas mock bowed at the audience and the cameras, grinning broadly. He was very proud of himself for pulling something like that off on television. 

“Yes, and we’re not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not,” Xemnas chuckled; he and Saïx were just as amused as everyone else. He pressed down on the buzzer in a delayed reaction, causing even more laughter. He reached for another suggestion. “What your pets are thinking.”

Xigbar instantly got down on his hands and knees and quickly crawled over to the other side of the stage, looking up at Roxas and panting like an excited puppy. “I want a piece of that!” 

Roxas looked absolutely revolted, but before he could even say or do anything, Axel came to the rescue. He lifted his foot and pushed hard against Xigbar’s shoulder. 

“Down, you mutt.”

Xigbar fell over and shot Axel a glare with his one eye before grinning lecherously at Roxas and then crawling back to his side of the stage with Terra. Axel didn’t take his eye of him once as he wrapped a protective arm around Roxas’s shoulders. 

Despite the tension, Terra walked out to center of the stage, and sat down on the floor. He looked up and frowned. “Ugh. You were drinking that foul smelling stuff again, weren’t you?” He cocked his head to the side briefly then scrambled backwards, “What the—! Ew! Look—look at what you did! You bad human!”

Xemnas buzzed him with a chuckle and Terra walked off with a smile on his face as the audience laughed and applauded. There was a long pause in deciding who was to go on next, since Axel seemed to be reluctant to even leave Roxas’s side, but eventually stepped out figuring Xigbar would have to go past him in order to get to Roxas.

He sat got down on all fours and jumped around excitedly, facing Roxas. “C’mon throw the ball! Throw the ball! Please throw the ball! I want the ball! Gimme the ball! Throw the—YAY!” 

The audience laughed as Roxas went along with the skit and mimed the action of throwing a ball which Axel dashed after, all the way to the other side of the stage, then dipped his head down, pretending to grab it between his teeth, and scamper on all fours back to Roxas.

“I looove you, master!”

Roxas grinned and reached down to give Axel’s head a pat, even daring to go as far as to scratch his ear. Axel whined, but whether it was still part of the skit or something else, that part was hard to determine. Xemnas pressed the buzzer multiple times, signaling the end of the skits and the four returned to their seats.

“Well, that brings us to the end of the end of the show. I hope you enjoyed it, and see you next time. Thank you and goodnight.” Xemnas waited until the cameras stopped recording then got to his feet and pointed at the four in the chairs. “Two, Eight, and Thirteen, a word please.”

Axel and Roxas exchanged confused looks, but shrugged as they made their way down the steps to the desk where Xemnas and Saïx sat. Xigbar followed with a slight grin and as though knowing what he was grinning about, Axel looked over his shoulder and glared. He ushered Roxas over to the desk quickly, making sure to stand behind him. Terra looked curious, but knew better than to get involved and headed backstage, leaving them to it.

“It has come to my attention,” Xemnas started, clearing his throat in agitation as Xigbar just got there. He gave him a pointed look.

“Don’t stop on my account, Superior dude.” Xigbar grinned, holding up his hands in surrender. “Go ahead and continue. We’re all here now…” He glanced to his side, but instead of catching Roxas’s eye, he was staring into two narrowed green eyes. 

“As I was saying,” Xemnas continued with a slight growl, succeeding in getting all three Nobodies’ attention. “It has come to my attention that Two and Thirteen have some unresolved tension—“

“Haha! Do we ever—oof!” Xigbar let out a grunt as Axel took it upon himself to drive his elbow as hard as he could into the man’s gut. 

Xemnas narrowed his eyes and tapped his fingers on the desk. He was quickly running out of patience.

Axel pulled Roxas against his chest and wrapped his arms around him protectively. “Go ahead, Superior…” 

“Such attitude,” Xemnas said after a few minutes, when he was sure there would be no more interruptions. “Is not tolerated on the show, and therefore you three will be banned from any future shows until the issues are resolved. Do I make myself clear?”

“Sir…” Saïx sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer. Xemnas looked over at him, raising an eyebrow. “If you had listened to me in the beginning to what I said about putting Two and Thirteen on the same show with Terra…perhaps we would not be bothering to have this talk with them. Also, I suggest you reconsider your decision. Eight and Thirteen are not the ones at fault.”

Axel and Roxas looked at Saïx and blinked. They weren’t used to the man defending them, especially with how he treated them any other time.

Xemnas rubbed his chin, thinking over his most trusted advisor’s proposal. He looked to his three subordinates. “You make quite a valid point, Saïx. My final decision is that Two is banned from future shows until he can learn to control his inappropriate behavior.”

Xigbar’s eye widened and he leaned forward against the desk. “Aw man, c’mon Superior, reconsider. I can be good. Just give me another chance, please, dude?”

“Do not pester me, Xigbar, or you will be suspended from the show completely with absolutely zero chance of returning.” Xemnas fixed him with a sharp look to finalize his words, and Xigbar reluctantly backed away muttering an apology he didn’t mean. “You’re all dismissed, but just to prevent any mishaps backstage, Saïx, you are to accompany Two back to the castle. Understood?”

Saïx stared at Xemnas like he lost his mind, but at a gesture for him to get moving; he sighed and got to his feet. “Of course, Sir. Two, move.” He prodded Xigbar ahead of him, not pleased with his new job in the slightest. 

“Heey, watch the shirt, dude. I just had it freshly Febreezed this morning. I’ve discovered the odor trapping bit of it only works if you don’t disturb what’s causing the odor.”

Saïx promptly took a deep breath and held it, glancing over his shoulder briefly at a now smirking Xemnas, and narrowed his eyes. He lifted a hand, pointing two fingers at his eyes, and then pointed back at Xemnas before shoving Xigbar along again. Someone was going to die soon, and there was a big chance it might not be Xigbar.

Once they were no longer in the room, Xemnas turned back to the remaining two members and cleared his throat. “Technically Thirteen is not responsible for any of this.” Roxas gave him a small smile and a nod of thanks. “However, Eight…there is still the matter of you to discuss.”

Axel raised an eyebrow. “I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean, Superior. You’ll have to explain to me just what I’ve done.”

“Violence, unless part of the skits, are not tolerated on the show. Even after the show. For your behavior toward Two, I’ve decided your punishment is to clean the castle bathrooms with a toothbrush.”

“What! That’s—you can’t…what…” Axel trailed off, mouth open in shock. To his right, Roxas couldn’t hold back his amusement. He growled and turned to look at the blond. “Yeah,   
it’s only funny because it’s not you. I save your ass…literally…and this is what I get in return?”

Roxas abruptly stopped laughing. Axel had a major point. He sighed and turned to Xemnas. “Sir, Axel’s right. As irritating as it is to be thought of as some…helpless damsel in distress…Xigbar hitting on me is really creepy, and I really appreciate Axel’s help in warding him off.”

“Aw, Rox.” Axel smiled and pulled him close. “I love you too, buddy.” He kissed his cheek and Roxas rolled his eyes, but didn’t push him away.

Xemnas frowned at him, but he did have to admit Roxas was right. If anyone were to do anything to his beloved Saïx, he would be drawing blood with his light sabers. “Alright,” he sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. “I’ll let you off easy this time, Eight. Your new punishment is a recon mission in Atlantica with Nine.”

“Demyx?! No! Anyone but, Demyx!” Roxas shot him an incredulous look and elbowed him hard. “Ow! I mean…uh…I’d be honored. Thank you, Superior Mansex.” 

“AXEL!” Xemnas roared, getting to his feet and reaching for the redhead, just as Roxas dragged him away quickly, shouting an apology on Axel’s behalf. Xemnas sighed, glaring at their backs, and then simply opened a Dark Corridor to take him directly to his room where his TV with 1000 channels resided. He really needed a vacation from his idiot followers.

And if there was one thing he was sure of; he truly regretted ever starting this show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the suggestion of the beach skit, that idea is credited to Vanilla-Envelope on Fanfiction.Net. I was in a major tight spot and quickly running out of ideas, so many thanks to her for that. :)
> 
> Chapter 3 is about half-done, but there's no telling when I'll be completing it. I also want to mention that if anyone has any skit ideas, or request for characters, don't hesitate to speak up. 
> 
> Ciao!

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to my beta Kunoichi21 on Fanfiction.Net, (and on here as well, I believe) for having the utmost patience with looking over my stories and pointing out every little mistake - including the ones I make while talking to her via MSN, and now Skype. It helps me out a lot and I feel I've become a much better writer thanks to her. :)


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